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Monday, December 10, 2007

Another Edition of Parenting Tips From the Childless: Do You Know What Your Kiddies are Listening to?

WARNING: The pages and clips linked in this post may not be safe for work! CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK

Now another edition of “Parenting Tips From the Childless”...

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

Well I certainly hope they were not at THIS RAP CONCERT:

He was looking for a shot at fame. Instead, police in Conyers are looking for the man who shot up a night club. Police say the gunman opened fire after he was booed on stage during a rap music contest. SOURCE
Yes folks, he got mad at them because they booed him and then opened fire. Next time your kiddies head to a rap concert, sent them along with a bullet proof vest, or teach them to stay near the exits. Hat Tip to JD from The Smak.

Do you Know Who Your Kiddies Know?

When the kiddies get home, ask them if they know who Deelishis is. (yes, that is the way they spell it these days—NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND) . Then ask them if they know who Angel Lola Luv is. Be slick about it. Y'all are parents afterall. Y'all are supposed to be smarter than them.

Then ask them about Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, or Fannie Lou Hamer. If they can tell you who the first two are and not the last three, then STOP, do not pass GO.

If they happen to know who Deelishis ( yes, that is how they spell it people) or Angel Lola Luv is, then you must strap them down and force them to watch this YouTube clip as part of the “Parenting Tips From the Childless” deprogramming protocol. Thanks to Tami from the blog, What Tami Said for the clip:

I have previously written about Sara Baartman in this piece.

Do You Know What Your Kiddies Are Listening To?

Since we're already handing out “Parenting Tips From the Childless”, let's play another edition of....”Do you know what your kiddies are listening to?”

I hope after our post on Souljah Boy and the meaning of “superman that hoe” that you are still not letting your five year old dance to a song called “Crank That.”

So I reviewed the Billboard and the i-tunes charts ( don't slip on those i-tunes) and have come up with a list of songs your tots might be listening to on the radio, in their mp3 players or watching the videos on television. Here we go:

The number one download in the USA is “Low” by Flo Rida (clever the way he chopped up the state of Florida to come up with his name... at least he didn't add additional letters like Deelishis) Of course this song features T Pain, the Nate Dog of the 21st century.

Make it rain, I'm makin it snow
Work the pole, I got the bank roll
Imma say that I prefer them no clothes
I'm into that, I love women exposed
For those of you unfamiliar with “make it rain” I direct you to to our untrustworthy friend, The Urban Dictionary. Yes, Mr. Flo Rida. LOW indeed. Next.

Oh next we have the cherubic Chis Brown with T Pain on the song “Kiss Kiss” lets have a look shall we?

Teddy Penderazzdown is in the spot spot spot spot
(YEAAH) I got money on me
(YEAAH) baby girl no problem
(YEAAH) you rollin shawty
(YEAAH) let's hit MacDonalds (ruff)
I mean seriously Teddy Pendergrass need to sue SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! It is nice to know that he will take you to McDonald's maybe he will spring for a full value meal instead of the Dollar menu.

We're skipping Timberland's "Appologize" and Kanye's “Good Life”

Ah yes, "Cyclone " by Baby Bash and.... wait for it...wait for it... You got it.. T Pain! Yessir, he is everywhere.
The way she move her body
She might see the Maserati
She wanna put it on me
Tryna show me her tsunami
Aren't you just mad that they managed to work “tsunami” up in the song?

“Playaz Circle: Little Duffle bag Boy” feat Lil' Wayne
Need A Hoe Break A Hoe Never Nuthin New To Us
Turnin Hoes To House Wives Never Been Cool With Us

It's Lil' Wayne so I have absolutely no idea what the heck he is saying.

“I'm So Hood” – DJ Kahled

I Like P#ssy Handy I Want That Boogie B!tch
I Never Buy A Phantom 28's Can't Fit
Again another song they are playing into the ground in my tiny backwater. I thought “Crank That” had to be the most annoying song on the face of the planet, but every time I hear the first strains of this foolishness here, it is over to the AM dial.

Cassidy Feat. Swizz Beatz -"My Drink N' My 2 Step"

I got my drink and my dutchie
get stoned
It's on, it's on, it's on and get home
get the patron and tell them that it's on
put the smoke in the air and get stoned

Yes, and apparently Patron is also a permanent part of the rap lyric lexicon.
For those of you who don't know what “dutchie "is, lets refer to our friend, The Urban Dictionary.

Gucci Mane - “Freaky Girl”

She A Very Freaky Girl Dont Bring Her To Mamma
First You Get Her Name Then You Get Her Number
Then You Get Some Brain In The Front Seat Of
The Hummer Then You Get Some Brain In The Front
Seat Of The Hummer

This song made it to our backwater about three weeks ago and they play it into the ground. Great message for the kids on the way to school. For those of you who cant figure out from the context clues what “brain” is you can go to our favorite slightly reliable friend, The Urban Dictionary.

This concludes this edition of "Parenting Tips From the Childless." If you have a song you think other parents should not have their five year old dancing to, hit up the gmail.