"When 'Nigga' Met 'Niggette': A Detroit 'Love' Story"---More Kwame Kilpatrick and Christine Beatty Texts Released

File this under too much time on my hands. I just got through reading an 18 page legal brief that contains MORE text messages between Christin Beatty and Kwame Kilpatrick that Detroit Free Press held back(ie, the most embarrassing ones). I suffered a bout of insomnia so I transcribed a couple of pages for y'all. You can read the entire thing here courtesy of the Detroit Free Press.

Excerpts from "When 'Nigga' met 'Niggette'"
--- My thoughts are in red

Page 9 -- Why Don't You Smile at Me like that?

Christine Beatty to Kwame Kilpatrick: "Are you on a date with your wife? Oooo I'm jealous. I'm a little too into you these past few days.

Lou Beatty to Christine Beatty:"How is your day? It's amazing how you can go out of town, come back refreshed and I immediately piss you off...You had an attitude until KK came over. Then you were smiling. Wish you smiled at me like that." [Poor Lou- He knew]

Page 10 -- One Day I'm Going to be Their Stepdad
Then Christine wants Kwame to see her baby before she takes the child to the dentist and Kwame later says "I may be their stepdad one day." -- They brought the kids into the foolishness.

CB:"My baby wanted to see you. I was just trying to make it happen before we went to the dentist"
KK:"Come on Momma"
CB: "Thanks for that"
KK: I enjoy that. I might be their stepdad one day
CB:Why might? What happened to "not yet"?
KK: The "might is on you"
CB: LOL Nigga, I already claimed it! KCK 2010. You told me that you would be my boyfriend everyday until I was your wife. Are you renigging?
KK:Hell no! Don't start none. Won't be none niggette! LOL
He later signs off with "My nigga! I love you, you know that."

Page 11- Christine becomes clingy.

This is actually kinda sad to read... but I will force myself to trudge on Page 12, more of Christine getting played

CB: Thinking about how hard you diss me, I still want to be in your arms, kiss you, hug you, love you. Listening to you speak and wishing you were my husband. No response needed to this[girl like he ever responds to your long winded text messages], but when [you] held me in your arms and looked me in the eyes and said I was your woman. All was right with the world. I love you.
KK: Damn! Thank you [Oh come on! she said all that and all he said was thanks!-]
CB: Can you promise me that I will always be that? [ Um "no" he can't seeing as how he already promised that to his wife, Carlita]
KK: You were my girl for as long as I can remember. I was too young and stupid to know [still stupid] I promise for the rest of my life you will be my girl. [as he goes home to his wife.]

Page 13
The following takes place during/after Christine divorces her husband. Note Kwame's respone at the end of her soliloquy

CB: Ahh. I'm about to cry. Thank you for that. You need to know that you are the man in my life that I depend on most [warning Christine, you are beginning to sound like a wife and not a mistress] Or should I have jut stopped at ' the man in my life'? I have an insecure thing going on with you right not and I know where it came from. Kind of started when you got back from your trip and I couldn't see you. TBc(to be continued)... Then we the separation thing with Lou and it really kicked in, and we had our conversation at Tom's it kind of escalated. When i told you started singing 'A Stranger's love," and I told you that you seemed that kind of man who be married to your wife forever, you kinda nodded like "yep". TBC.. I was really kind of trippin after that because of two reasons. I can't see living this way with us being 'secret' forever. [sound of Christine sealing her fate as the nonfuture Mrs. Kilpatrick] I love you so much and i want to tell somebody, someday![you just did]. (Smile). Secondly, this separation is really real and it kind of slapped 'lonely' in my mind... when you didn't some on Saturday until 3 hours later, that kind of just topped it off for me. So I'm sorry if I've been trippin. I could only two way this! I couldn't have said it to you personally! [and boy did you say it]

But wait y'all. Wait. Read Kwame's response to her five paragraph message..

KK: In this important and somewhat confusing time in your life, please know with all our hearts and soul that I love you and you will never, never be alon. TBC[to be continued]

Did that sound like a greeting card to y'all?

Page 14 - Reason and Necessity
The texts are not in chronological order in the document compare them about six months earlier cutting up.

KK to CB: Everything is cool. Did you get busted? You were kind of ___[I just couldn't force myself to type it. Fill in the blank] last night. inside and out. LOL
CB to KK: Oh, you got jokes? Actually I did get busted, which I was checking with you. I wanted to see if you had room on Leslie for me! LOL [she is talking about moving in with him in case she gets kicked out.]
KK: LOL LOL LOL! Not on Leslie but anywhere els eyou want to stay. LOL
CB: LOL, LOL! Dang, you wouldn't take me into your home? You told me the other day that you would do anything for me. What happened? [you actually might need something is what happened]
KK: LOL LOL LOL! Not the famous flip again. It's still anything! I should be with reason, necessity. If you really need to stay with me, it's on. In this case, we could find somewhere else.

Page 15- Why lord Why? -- The infamous DC Trip
CB to KK: I really wanted to give you some good ___ [again, unlike Christine I couldn't make myself type it- fill in the blank]this morning and I didn't know how to ask you to let me do it I have wanted to since Friday night when you asked me at the club.

Page 18- Till Death Do Us Part
CB to KK: I am madly in love with you too! More and more everyday! I can't believe how much more it grows. Is there a limit?
KK: not til death do us part.
CB to KK: Wow! I'll buy that. [boy did she ever]

I actually feel kinda sorry for them now. She almost had me cracking open my check book to contribute money to the Christine L. Beatty Legal Defense Trust. But instead I'll save my money to buy her a copy of "They Never Leave the Wife: The Memoir of a Mistress " or "Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid: Love in the Age of Texting."

I see two people living in a dream world. A fairytale. This was definitely fantasy land for Kwame and he never had any intention of leaving Carlita for Christine. In the back of her mind, she had to know that, but she still had hope in here eyes. Don't act like y'all didn't scrawl y'alls initials on a notebook combining you name with some boy you had a crush on... Most of us haven't done that as fully grown women, but you see my point. I would actually believe them if they said it was over in 2003 because she started to be more clingy and more of an emotional burden.. less fun.

Wake me when the criminal trial is over. The prosecutors will take care of any lying on the witness stand that took place. The voters, should he run, will issue their decision on whether they want this man to continue as their mayor. Beatty is already divorced. I hit my limit after this last batch. I have officially had enough. There will be no more LOL-ing or TBC about this here. ...SMH and LFOL -TTYL - if you don't know what I just said, you are a bad parent. GTG

God to Juanita Bynum and Thomas Weeks: "Do I know Y'all?"

Hat Tip to Mo' Kelly- This is a continuing series of our coverage of the Bynum Weeks Dramedy

April 23, 2008, PEARLY GATES, Heaven (AP)IN a surprising development in the never ending saga, that is the never ending unwinding of their very short marriage, Juanita Bynum wife of Bishop Thomas Weeks, aka "Tommy the Hit Man" is going on Divorce Court to give "advice" to a couple in distress.

Televangelist Juanita Bynum says in a two-part episode of "Divorce Court" that she's through with her marriage to minister Thomas W. Weeks III, who is on probation for assaulting her.In episodes scheduled to air Thursday and Friday, Bynum also says she had thoughts of suicide and weighs in on a case involving domestic violence. When asked what advice she had for women in situations similar to hers, she said, "I have to make a decision ... to take the love that I had for him with me."In a transcript of the show obtained by The Associated Press, Bynum said she would always love Weeks, but made a decision to "love me more." AP

When reached by the Associated Press for comment, the Lord Almighty issued the following statement:

It has come to my attention that several media outlets have been attempting to reach me for comment regarding the dissolution of the marriage of a Juanita Bynum Weeks and a Thomas Weeks, who proclaims to be a bishop of some sort. I am aware that the Prophetess is planning to go on something called DIVORCE COURT.

I would like to go on the record as saying, I do not now nor have I ever known Juanita Bynum Weeks or Thomas Weeks . I don't have anything to do with these people.I don't know who they are talking about. It is my sincerest hope that they will cease and desist from representing to the world that they are in any way associated with me , Heaven, the Pearly Gates and anyone or anything mentioned between the books Genesis and Revelations. Please direct all future inquiries regarding these two to Hell.

Eternally Yours...OR NOT

The Lord Almighty

Read our previous dispatches from Heaven and Hell:

• God to Mr. Juanita Bynum: Surely You Jest! - The Bynum- Weeks Officially Have No Shame!
• God Sends “Cease and Desist” Letter To Juanita Bynum and Tommy “The Hit Man” Weeks:”Stop Representing Yourself as My Agents...OR ELSE!”
• Satan's Lawyers to Bishop Tommy "The Hit Man" Weeks..... "Stop Slandering Our Client or Else!"

To those wondering why I have mocked these people, I say why not? They've been making a mockery out of each other and us for almost six months. Write the book. Complete the reality show and be done already!

God Sends “Cease and Desist” Letter To Juanita Bynum and Tommy “The Hit Man” Weeks:”Stop Representing Yourself as My Agents...OR ELSE!”

December 14, 2007, PEARLY GATES, Heaven (AP)- In a surprising development in the ongoing soap opera-esq and very public battle between Profit-ess Juanita Bynum and her husband, Bishop Tommy “The Hitman” Weeks, lawyers representing God Almighty sent cease and desist letters to Profit-ess Bynum and Bishop Weeks demanding that they stop representing themselves as representatives of God.

“The final straw for the Lord was when Bishop Weeks used the occasion of the Almighty's son's birthday to email a video promoting his latest book “What Love Taught Me”,” said Gabriel Angel, the Almighty's lead trademark infringement attorney.

[This has got Ike Turner-like vibes all over the place. Manipulative,cunning and controlling. First he lashes out on the TJMS and in a book then quickly sends a bouquet of flowers through an online video. Joe Jackson, get ya' boy.]

In a video Mr. Angel described as “tacky”, “tawdry,” and “unseemly” Bishop Weeks announced that he would be recalling a book that just 48 hours ago he was promoting on the Tom Joyner Morning show. The Bishop invited others to view this “very personal” message to his estranged wife and then proceeded to beg viewers not to take sides. Weeks also revealed that the couple had been exchanging smoke signals, carrier pigeon messages, and shawls and books via express mail despite court orders designed to keep them away from each other.

“Well clearly Mr. Weeks is not a representative of the Almighty, because the Almighty sends the spirit of discernment to accompany all of his agents on Earth.” Citing the literary failures of other famous alleged wife beaters such as the recently departed Ike Turner, Mr. Angel said that the clearest example of the Bishop's lack of the spirit of discernment is his decision to issue the book in the first place. “Had Bishop Weeks had the spirit of discernment, he would have figured out that his book would not be well received.” Mr. Angel went on to add that if the Bishop had the spirit of discernment he would also stop wearing pastel bow ties in public and get new frames for his glasses.

“The Almighty contends that Profit-ess Bynum and her spouse are misrepresenting themselves as God's agents and the Almighty wants them to stop.”

Mr.. Angel said that the video distributed by Weeks was the final straw after a summer that saw these two purported leaders of churches fighting in a parking lot, holding dueling press conferences, using their infamy to promote their websites and products, asking for $250,000 to build a threshing floor, declaring that ordinary working people should go out and purchase a $5,000 pen, failing to pay their taxes and other debts, and then getting in a national publication and whining about Luis Vitton luggage.

“They are diminishing the brand. We only do things that are decent and in order.” Mr. Angel went on to say that the Lord would resolve this matter through the legal system and not supernaturally as previously hoped by Gem2001, the creator of the blog, What About Our Daughters?

“Yes, we have received Gem2001's prayers and supplications and yes, God could just strike them both dead with a bolt of lightening, but unlike the Bynum-Weeks who prefer displays of rage and attempt to resolve legal matters publicly, the Almighty has decided to allow this matter to work its way out through the legal system this time.” However, Mr Angel warned ominously “We'll try it this way first, but there may be fire next time”

When quizzed about whether the Almighty knows the outcome of Bishop Week's criminal case, Mr. Angel refused to comment citing something about “The Prime Directive,” however Mr. Angel did appear to cough “televisedrenewalceremony” and “thepatriotswinthesuperbowl” before he mounted with wings and took flight.

Bizarrely the Bynum-Weeks who recently have trampled small children to speak to reporters have been surprisingly mum about the Lord's cease and desist letter. Rumor has it that , the Bynum-Weeks are editing a drafts of an upcoming book they are writing together, “Love Has So Much More To Teach Me”, while learning how to use more snazzy effects on Windows Movie Maker. They could not be reached for comment.

This isn't the first legal battle for the Bynum-Week's earlier this summer Satan threatened to file a defamation suit against Bishop Weeks when the Bishop said that it was “the Devil” that caused the Bishop to allegedly kick, choke and stomp on his wife in a hotel parking lot. Satan was unavailable for comment as he is on vacation with his bride, Debbie Lee.

Have y'all ever considered that we're all being hustled? No seriously. He puts out a damaging book then recalls it. She's putting all their dirty laundry out there. Maybe someone was threatening to expose them both. They stage all of this drama and use it as an opportunity to reveal all of their dirty laundry while folks are feeling sympathy and taking sides and then make a come back with a “reconciliation”. People love a redemption story. I am beginning to wonder because these two cannot be for real. My foolishness meter is OFF THE CHARTS.This was the Bishop earlier this week on the Tom Joyner Morning Show.

Let the Holiday Foolishness Begin! - "Jiffy Gate 2008"- Yes, We Will Have a Podcast on Thanksgiving

Tis the season to engage in folly. The email traffic between my immediate family members reaches frenzied levels about one week out before Thanksgiving when my older sisters in their quest to recreate my grandmother, MaDear's, recipes engage an effort in culinary intelligence gathering that would put the covert operatives to shame.

'Dear has always guarded her recipes zealously and trying to peak over her shoulder would get you a “get out of my kitchen” side eye that would send you scurrying into the other room. As we got older she became a little more lax with the sharing of the ingredients, but the quantity is another matter. My sisters want “a cup”, a “tablespoon”, “ a teaspoon.” but the best they have been able to wrangle out of Dear is “a pinch, a smidge, a little bit of this and a little bit of that.” So every year they engage in a reverse engineering attempts that have come close, but never quite recaptured Dear's sweet potato pie, potato salad, and cornbread dressing. Although I must concede that Sister X's ( identity withheld to maintain family harmony) potato pie has come close.


I'm announcing the launch of Holiday Foolishness! A holiday blog to capture the best of holiday foolishness because Baby Jesus is so not pleased. We'll call people on their foolishness this holiday season (Like my beau's obsession with "Black Friday"-Seriously , I don't want a $399 laptop or a $75 Zune or a $10 cell phone.). In addition, You'll get a behind the scenes look at my immediate family's “Secret Santa-Elf-Angel” tradition. They had their own version of WAOD via email long before this blog was ever heard of.

What in the Heck is a Secret Santa Elf Angel?

In my family we pull names and have a $75 cap.( I highly recommend pulling names) So I only spend about $150 TOTAL on Christmas each year. The family member responsible for running this complex operation is the Secret Santa Elf Angel.

My family basically waits the entire year for this. Daddy was asking about it Labor Day weekend. Not the actual gift giving, but the logistical foolishness that ensues leading up to Christmas day. We don't spend a lot, but trying to figure out who your Secret Santa is , my brother-in-law complaining that (once again) somebody put somebody put Victoria's Secrets bras and panties on their list, Sister X sending out emails after the wish list deadline attempting to alter her selections (every year) and then the annual lobby from Sister Y to try to increase the cap to account for inflation ( the cap was $50 for the longest, she raised the cap the year she was the Secret Santa Elf). And who could forget Christmas 2000 when my Sister Z unilaterally decided to give the boot to Secret Santa (something about the Devil and idol worship. blah blah blah)and replace it with the "Christmas Angel".

I, the president of the Secret Santa Elves Union had to launch an official protest of her unilateral firing of the Secret Santa Elf, leading to the change of the name from Secret Santa Elf to the Secret Santa Elf Angel. Yes, fully grown folks-But it is fun to us anyway. I won't even mention "Stocking Gate 2000." Yes, Mama still fills our Christmas stockings. She didn't a couple of years back and you should have seen grown folks pitiful expressions because they didn't get some miniature Snickers in their stockings

"Jiffy Gate 2008"- Reverse Engineering Goes Terribly Wrong

For a hint of what you can expect at Holiday Foolishness and on our Thanksgiving Podcast, I am offering this behind the scenes look at “Jiffy-Gate 2008”. Here is an email exchange between Sister Y and moi related to cornbread dressing ( She gave me permission to post it):
Sister Y wrote:

Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2007 Good Morning! > Since I am not spending Thanksgiving in Texas, I am taking the [Family] Thanksgiving [up North]. In that vain, I need some recipes. The originals would be nice, but if you have a variation or modification, that would be wonderful. Here is my request: MaDear's sweet potato pie recipe ( a rough guess-timate since she never measures) > Broccoli rice casserole- can I use brown rice instead? > Pistachio > Cornbread dressing > [Cousin A's] recipe for pecan candy > [Her Godmother's] shrimp and rice casserole > > (If I can get them by tomorrow that would be great, cause I'm really not trying to be in the grocery store with the rest of the Thanksgiving shoppers) > > Love you much, >SISTER Y

I responded:

Yes you can use brown rice instead, BUT you got to be careful with how you cook it. pistachio is pineapple, pistachio pudding mix, colored marsh mellows, sour cream, coolwhip and chopped pecans. Cornbread dressing. Celery, onion, bell pepper, I cook mine before I throw them in with the cornbread mix it up with the cornbread and > some chopped meat and bake again. I kind of wing it.

Sister Y (God Bless Her Little Heart) wrote:

Thanks for those two! What should the consistency of the dressing be? The last time I made it, it had a pudding like consistency once I cooked it. Should I cook the veggies with the chicken gizzards? I was going to experiment this weekend before I tried to make it on Thanksgiving. Also do you have more exact measurements for pistachio?

To which moi replied:

Hmmm your dressing had pudding like consistency....hmmm. Um you had to work at that. You cook the corn bread separately and then I actually cook all my veggies and I don't use gizzards I use shredded chicken or turkey, but sautee all that together and then mix that with the cornbread and season. then I go back with the liquid for flavor and consistency. I mean seriously you had to work to get pudding-like dressing.

At which point Sister Z, the organized one, provided EXACT measurements for the pistachio.

Sister Y responded:

I Love YOU GUYS! It almost reminds me of Thanksgiving morning in Texas. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Well everything was OKAY until I got this FOOLISHNESS in my email box Sunday morning. I KNOW SHE DIDN'T!

Sister Y lamented:

Y'all didn't tell me not to use Jiffy! I did a test run today and it was too sweet.

To which I replied:

Um there is no other cornbread other than Jiffy. What the heck do you mean too sweet? Don't insult the Jiffy, the cornbread God will not be please and all your stuff will burn. If the dressing is too sweet, that means you didn't provide enough flavor to cut down the sweetness. I guess I like my cornbread sweet.

It ain't the Jiffy its the Iffy...cook. Nobody bet' not say nothing about the Jiffy. Just ain't right. Seriously, make some peach cobbler and call it a wrap. Thanksgiving Dinner with your boyfriend's parents ain't the time to try to convert yourself into B. Smith or some foolishness. You can't cook. You almost set your house on fire trying to brown some flour in the oven. Your rum cake is light on the cake and heavy on the rum and your attempts at gumbo have been well past poor. Accept that you do not have the gift. Go buy a pound cake and throw up the deuce. But leave. JIFFY. ALONE!
We have to make a sacrificial offering to the God of Cornbread. He is so not pleased. Mama I know your position on worshiping idol Gods. You can sit this one out.

I went on to add in an email titled “Sister Y, you need to repent”:

Before the God of Cornbread curses your cornbread dressing for all of your days, you need to go and repent: http://www.jiffymix.com/ .trying to blame Jiffy for your iffy cooking abilities. Just ain't right.

Sister Y then tried to defend her defamation of Jiffy Cornbread Mix:

I followed the directions that were given. I seasoned it with Ms. Dash and added some sage. I did not add additional seasoning because I thought that it would be too salty since I used regular chicken broth. I called Dear's looking for Momma to ask about the cornbread and [Aunt D] advised me not to use Jiffy. I only eat dressing when I go home. I am trying to maintain my Southern roots while incorporating other healthy options.

By the way, I have excellent cooking skills, my peach cobbler not only won the church baking contest, but got Thumbs up from the [her boyfriend's coworkers].

Y'all should at least applaud me for being transparent enough to ask for help and to practice making it before I went to [up North] and embarrassed myself and my family.

Excuses. Excuses.Mrs. Dash? Mrs. Dash? Did she just say she tried to make cornbread dressing using Mrs Dash? What in the world? Sage? There is no SAAAAGE in cornbread dressing! That must be some East coast culinary encroachment going on. Healthy options? Healthy options? It's Thanksgiving! If you are embarrassed [up North], that is no reflection on the family. The family recipes do not include Mrs. Dash, sage and, and, and, a “healthy” version of cornbread dressing.

Finally, Sister Y sent this reply shortly thereafter attempting to defend her culinary abilities:

I've come to the realization that I need to accentuate the positive and minimize the negative. I am not making cornbread dressing. Parenthetically, [the boyfriend] thought that the "stuffing" was good and wondered how would I coordinate with the person cooking the turkey putting the stuffing inside the turkey. He did think that his family would view my dressing/stuffing as a side dish. Therefore, I am making Pistachio and peach cobbler, broccoli rice is a possibility. Does anyone have Momma's recipe with the exact measurements for broccoli rice?[there she goes with the measurements again- amateur]

To the naysayers: [the boyfriend] has been eating my cooking and he thinks that I am an excellent cook. [Cousin M] as been eating at my house for six years and never had a complaint.

What.Ever. I am just glad you didn't try to pass off that Mrs. Dash and SAAAGE infused concoction as the family cornbread recipe.

To which I was forced to reply:

Hmm me thinks you doth protest to much Madam! You slandered Jiffy cornbread mix. Twas not the mix, but the Mix-er! I give you credit for the cobbler, but if recall correctly the cobbler is not from scratch and you in fact utilize artificial ingredients[canned peaches and bisquick/cake batter] and take “short cuts” thus your cobbler technically does not qualify as a southern holiday culinary staple and a couple of pats on the back about that cobbler at a single Thanksgiving does not trump the burning of the flour in the oven incident of 2001. Call me when you walk through the door with a sweet potato pie... cobbler HA! Sorry Madam! Your record remains unchanged!And I will not trust the opinion of man that refers to cornbread DRESSING as STUFFING. He clearly is not qualified to issue an opinion on southern holiday culinary staples.[Did he actually ask how do you coordinated getting the DRESSING inside the turkey?]

Sister Y has agreed to come on the WAOD podcast, the Black Womens' Roundtable to defend her culinary honor. In other words, we're going to have a blast this Thursday at 8:00PM CST.

Y'all have a good vacation. Travel safely!

Bizarre Weather Phenomenon Threatens to Freeze Hell Over- Evacuations Underway

HELL-- November 4, 2007- Officials in Hell began a mandatory evacuation as a bizarre weather phenomenon threatened to freeze Hell over. The Devil ordered the evacuations after the lakes of fire were reduced to simmer.
.“We haven't seen temperatures drop this quickly since there were rumors that Mary Wilson and Diana Ross would be reuniting for a tour,” the Devil said.

Most of Hell's residents were evacuated to Hell's northernmost outpost, BET Headquarters located in Washington, DC.

“We wanted our residents to be around other demon spirits during this very difficult time, said Lucifer, Hell's Director of Climate Control.

Lucifer said that the evacuations had gone smoothly with one exception, some of Hell's residents were greeted by a blogger named Attorneymom, who insisted on reprimanding the evacuees as they made their way into BET headquarters before she was dragged off by two other bloggers, BlkSeaGoat and Johnny, who were wearing shirts that said “Attorneymom, you are no one's Holy Ghost!”

Lucifer was perplexed by the heckling blogger. “ I mean they have already been condemned to eternal damnation, what else does she (Attorneymom) want?”

“I just want to make sure,” said Attorneymom via a statement she issued from her blog, Character Corner.

The cold day in Hell was apparently the result of a New York Times article that may have left the impression that Gina, from the blog, What About Our Daughters?a frequent critic of Black Entertainment Television who has been supportive of the protests outside Lee's home agreed with BET CEO, Debra Lee regarding protests by the Enough is Enough Campaign.

UPDATE 7:57CST-

Officials in Hell breathed a sigh of relief this evening as it appears that Hell has indeed NOT frozen over. Gina does not agree with Debra Lee. Officials in Hell had mixed feelings about the turn of events.

"Our demon spirits working at BET were excited by the possibility that Gina agreed with us, but we had to weigh that with the possibility of Hell freezing over."Lucifer said. "We were torn."

They were however excited that Gina vowed not to do another BET-related interview until January 2008. She was heard muttering “Come Hell or high water.”

WARNING:this post might be loaded with sarcasm, symbolism, similes, metaphors, personification or other figures of speech and is not meant to be taken literally. While many BET employees and supporters believe Gina is the spawn of Satan, they have merely confused her with Debra Lee, his bride.

*takes a seat on the WAOD stoop and enjoys a glass of freshly squeezed lemonade- sometimes you just have to laugh it off.*

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy "Satan's Lawyers to Bishop Tommy "The Hit Man" Weeks..... "Stop Slandering Our Client or Else!"

Have You Seen "30 Dates in 30 Days"? ---WAOD PODCAST THURSAY NIGHT AT 8PM CST

File the under too much time on my hands. Taking a pause from gloom and doom and general foolishness, I was perusing my BG's website when I noticed she was encouraging folks to watch Essence Magazine's video series "30 Dates in 30 Days." *knock me over with a feather!*In the particular episode that my BG referred us to, my BG asks us to observe Nicole and Kalid(sp?) she says that Nicole is the aggressor while her date is not.

Notice how she plays the man's role(pursuer) with Khalid and he plays the role of the female (the pursued).

Um what was "female" about Khalid? I thought he was whiny and immature, but break it down for me y'all. After sitting through a few snippets of Nicole, I don't know if it is possible for her NOT to be assertive. I am still apparently remedial. I am going to ask my BG to actually be specific about what it is that Nicole did wrong. (Probably because I can be "assertive" at times.)

Now I know that I have some loyal readers that detest all things Essence, but I took a looksie. It is definitely the anti "VH1 Trilogy of Tawdriness".

1. All of the women appear to have PROFESSIONS that are not in the adult entertainment industry. All appear to be over 27.
2. Lots of subject verb agreement.
3. It's not polygamous-you don't have 20 women fighting over one man.
4. The clothes. Fab
5. The makeup. Fab
6. The Dates, no KFC or Chicken and Waffles-sunset cruises, wine bars, tarot card readings.
7. The Guys all have PROFESSIONS that don't involve throwing, catching, hitting a ball or making "music", Scratch that, they did let an aspiring musician in, but you got a doctor, engineer, architects, sales rep, global fund manager (i-banker), a bartender and a whole menagerie of professions not involving a basket, base, or foot....ball. Let the Heavens Part! And I didn't see any thuggery. It's a miracle!
8. Unlike ANTM, the Cover Girl product placement isn't annoying. It is borderline though.
9. Train wrecky goodness when Jahmelia makes her first date sing one of the love songs he wrote. OUCH, but it is not contrived. HOWEVER, Vaughn baby, please stick to song WRITING as opposed to song SINGING. We all have unique gifts, yours does not include the gift of song.
10. You get to vote on clothes! Yippee!
11. The bachelors and bachelorettes come from all different age ranges. Although in Harper's case, that was a BAD thing. She's 43 and got stuck with two 31 y.o. s. Essence being Essence.
12. Each woman has her own pool of men to have the audience vote on, so no fighting, in fact, when one women gets through with her dates, she welcomes the next woman into the process.

As I stated, each Bachelorette has her own batch of Bachelors! YAY -Nicole's Bachelors, Harpers Bachelors, Jameliah's Bachelors, Michelle's Bachelors, Lindsey's Bachelors. Yes, you can e-mail the Bachelors.

Harper had the most interesting conversations so far. I loved that they put her with younger guys and she let it be known she was so not feeling the 31 y.o.s. Gurl I don't blame you. They were 31 and it showed. ( his garage?) Averill, NOT SO MUCH. See he would annoy me after like 90 seconds. Um Averill, women CANNOT have children at any age. Brian? Meh. Ezra, You were late and the 31 showed. I am definitely on Team Russell, he brought food! Yum, but he should have asked for a smaller bag or a little box. Details Russell, details!

Now I didn't have time to watch and read everything, but I was expecting Essence's typical, professional Black women better "get that ring before SPRING!" otherwise we're all doomed to die old, childless, and alone and end up being eaten alive by nine cats. But I enjoyed it. Some of the dates were really sweet(I liked the "most played song on your I-pod"). Um Russell, that would be "I am Changing" from the Dream Girls Soundtrack.

I don't know if my BG intended to get us hooked, but I'll watch the archives when I get a break just to see which locations people vote to send them on and the clothes. If you want to check it out, you can go to the main site.

I think they definitely showed a different slice of African American life than we typically get to see on television. Kim Porter interviews- BAD. "30 Dates in 30 Days" - Not So Much. I think it is awesome that they launched it via the web. One day ordinary Black women all over this country are going to be producing content and disseminating it through the internet. This should give you an idea of what is possible with brightcove and other video services.

Speak on it! ( Oh I can't WAIT for these comments. Please don't disappoint moi).

Don't forget the Podcast Thursday at 8PM CST. We have a great panel lined up and ironically, we will be talking about LUUUV. What it is- What it ain't and why it has NOTHING to do with domestic violence. Be sure to read the first post from our series, "WAOD Lets Brothers Speak About DV" as part of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Satan's Lawyers to Bishop Tommy "The Hit Man" Weeks..... "Stop Slandering Our Client or Else!"

Two days after his alleged brutal attack on his wife, Prophetess Juanita Bynum, Bishop Tommy " The Hit Man" Weeks lay blame for choking, kicking and stomping on his 5'2 wife squarely at the feet of the Devil:

Weeks, wearing a dark suit and his customary bow tie, blamed the devil for the accusation that has him facing two felony charges. He didn't, however, offer any specifics before introducing a guest minister who preached in his stead, then exiting the room. (SOURCE)

The Devil, also known as Satan, is not taking Week's accusations laying down and has sought legal counsel. In a telephone interview from his office at Black Exploitation Television headquarters in Washington, DC, Satan seemed perplexed as to why yet another preacher was blaming him for acting a dayum fool.

"I mean, really, is it necessary to drag me into it every time one of these preachers messes up or catches a case? I didn't grab his hands and wrap them around his wife's neck and I didn't force him to kick her while she was down on the asphalt. What happened to Free Will?"

Satan says that at the time of the attack on Bynum, he was otherwise occupied.

" I was making up the Spring programming schedule for BET at the time of the attack. I wasn't anywhere near the Renaissance hotel. " While Satan has faced similar accusations in the past, he decided to seek legal counsel in the present case because of the role Bishop Week's purports to play in the Kingdom of God.

" Now here is a guy that has been telling everyone who will listen that he is on the Lord's side. Now all of a sudden he goes batshyt crazy and it is all "The Devil's" fault. I'm not having it!"

To Bynum, Satan, a Bible scholar himself directs her to the book of Job." Folks are with you when the chips are up, but at the first sign of real trouble, all these church attendees start yelling "Curse God and Die!"

Satan is trying to continue with his normal routine in light of yet another accusation that he has meddled in the lives of Preachers of the Word. He's been cooking up an entire new slate of television shows designed to set Black American back about 150 years each.

Satan saves his harshest criticisms for Bishop Tommy"The Hit Man" Weeks, " He needs to MAN UP and grow a pair. Take responsibility for what you did! That was all YOU! Hell, even Michael Vick didn't try to blame me for his situation!"

WARNING: The above may contain sarcastic language and imagery not mean to be taken literally. Yes, I did have too much time on my hands on my day off.


UPDATE: Juanita Bynum taped a pre-recorded response to the Devil Bishop Weeks and the boo birds that are chirping. They don't call her a Prophetess for nothing. It comes towards the end of the clip. Hat Tip to Why Black Women Are Angry.