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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

DaddyDontWantMe.com is NOT a Good Thing

WARNING to worker bees, the links to DaddyDontwantme.com will redirect you to a site called Sorry@$$babydaddies.com

... and now another edition of..... Parenting Tips From The Childless(PTFTC)...

Black women have a right to be angry, sad, depressed, happy, euphoric, indifferent, amused. Black women have the right to the full range of human emotions. They have a right to express those emotions and their pain. I am not anti expression, but I have to draw a line when you draw your children into your emotional catharsis. It is wrong to place the burdens of an adult on the shoulders of children.

A reader sent me an article about the work of DaddyDontWantMe.com. The email apparently thinks the site is a good thing and the title of the email was "Single Mom Gives Voice to Others" or something like that. It was Memorial Day weekend so I took a gander at DaddyDontWantMe.com which redirected me to a site called Sorry@$babydaddies.com. Now the site goes after men of all races, but of course WE are amply represented and the sites founder is an African American women.

Now I know all these new fangled Mamas are raising their children according to "Kim Porter's Childrearing by Court Order," but it is WRONG to involve your children in your very personal drama with their father. He may be a no count, shiftless, promiscuous, irresponsible, feckless, sluggard, but he is still THEIR FATHER. They will still love him, even if he is unworthy of that love and if I had a mother raging against my father like the women on this site, I would keep that love and affection for my father to myself if I was smart.

I am sure that the women on DaddyDontWantMe.com aka Sorry@$babydaddies.com have no problem letting their children believe that a morbidly obese White man in a red suit will climb down a chimney to leave Christmas presents under the tree, why not let them believe in the myth that their father is a decent human being for as long as possible. If they are saying this stuff about their children's fathers online, you KNOW they are saying this around and to their children in real life. "But Gina! I don't say bad things around my children!!" --- I don't believe you.

Here is a sampling of the posts under the "Suspected Deadbeat" tab on DaddyDontWantMe.com aka sorry@$babydaddies.com I am removing the names because we don't know that any of these allegations are true and I question the mental health of anyone who would want to post this info on the internet.

[name removed] is the epitomy of a sorry ass baby daddy. He has eight other kids from different baby momas and out of all of the kids my baby lives in the same city and he doesn’t do anything for her. So sad! Not for my daughter though simply because I am a strong sista that has turned my life around meaning I am married to a wonderful man now that loves my children unconditionally, I am a success within itself meaning I don’t sit around and worry about what this black man does not do. Sorry@$$babydaddies.com
That is verbatim. Now my question is... what is worse than choosing to have a child by a man who is irresponsible and selfish? Choosing a man who you already KNEW was irresponsible and selfish. IT should have been no surprise that this man wasn't going to be responsible for the life of your child if you already had substantial evidence to the contrary with the other 7. She says doesn't have time to sit around an worry about this man, but she had time to post that on the internet. Here is another one:
[name removed] is 38, unemployed and living with his father and stepmom… what a loser! LADIES BEWARE! He will seem charming and smooth, but trust me it’s a trap! David is a sorry ass baby daddy because he wants a woman to take care of him and he wants to use her for her money, then when he thinks he has you, he will become violent and abusive.DaddyDontWantMe.com
Again, why would you have a child by a man who could not even take care of HIMSELF and is violent?? If he is a loser, what does that make you? "But Gina, I didn't know"... well then you didn't do due diligence. Who you choose to be the father of your children is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. And another one:
My child has some medical problems that come from his side, and four of his other children also have the same health problems. [name removed] if you are reading this get fixed so you won’t have 12 kids Instead of {7} and stop smoking weed, you can take that weed money and pay some child support.Well it’s now two years later and still nothing, He has about 9 kids now and still will not get fixed.DaddyDontWantMe.com
And another one:
[name removed] (29), currently resides in Cedar Rapids, IA. He currently has 4 children. He will not get a job because he obviously doesn’t want to pay child support. My daughter with him he has never seen and she is almost 1 years old. He also has never spent 1 cent on her and only claims her when it is condusive to him and his surroundings. He gets all these dumb ass white girls to put everything in their names so he can’t have any of his belongings taken from him for child support. He doesn’t have a drivers license either. He messes with multiple girls at once. He thinks he is going to become a rapper like most other black males. DaddyDontWantMe.com
Now that is just a sampling, you can read the rest on your own. The posts include photos, locations and full names and some SADLY even include photographs of the UNWANTED children. The primary complaint appears to be lack of financial support, but in what way does calling the man a sorry @$$ baby daddy increase the likelihood of them commencing financial support of their children? The thing about shame is that it only works on people who have the ability to be embarrassed. IF you got 8 kids with 8 different women, there is little this man is likely to be embarrassed about, otherwise he would have been embarrassed about not taking care of child #1

Now the site does have a section for "Real Dads", but off the bat I had a WTH moment when I read the first entry of what is supposed to be positive:
Hi my name is[name removed] and i am a senior at University of California Santa Barbara. I’d just like to update my story since reciving the DNA test results, [name removed] has completely taken on his role as an active father going as far as putting our child on his medical insureance providing for our child the best that he can and just making and effort. Sorryassbabydaddies.com
I pasted that word for word. Now first, maybe I am old fashioned, but I can't imagine telling the world that I had to establish my child's parentage via DNA. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell anybody. But to put our pictures up there too? Is this what we have come to? Are we supposed to be euphoric that a brother agreed to take a DNA test? That is a success story?

The site also included this fascinating documentary of Black 8th graders talking about what it means to grow up without their fathers. Fascinating, but a part of me cringes wondering if this should have happened in a non therapeutic setting.

Then there is this video that I think is supposed to be a PSA about child support and the actress claims to have been successful at hiding her 15-year rage, but I am sorry, I don't think you can hide that kind of thing from a child:

But Gina! THEY NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH! Really? You think the kids won't eventually figure this out. Whether you believe it or not, even when children know their parents are wrong, the kids still love them and children often feel responsible when the family is having difficulty, they wonder what their role is in the mess and typically take the blame on their own shoulders. The world will let your child know soon enough that their father is a sorry individual.

And to this labeling of your own child as "Unwanted" that is what probably ticked me off the most. Do you think your child does not know that they were unwanted? Really, if Daddy hasn't shown up in years. Some of these children aren't even out of diapers yet, and their own mothers not only view them as "unwanted," but they have publicly labeled their children as such and put their pictures and video of the children up on the internet so the world can gawk at the children of two very selfish individuals. Trust me, if their own mothers think the kids are unwanted, I believe that they are sending that message to their children.

One day those kids are going to grow up and the world will tell them that they are wanted if only they will do X,Y,Z. IF you label your daughter as unwanted, don't be surprised if she falls for the first boy wearing some TAG body spray who tells her that he wants her. If your child is unwanted, don't be surprised if they turn to some mind altering substance so that they won't feel the pain of being unwanted. If your child is unwanted they are likely not to value their own lives and thus might not value the lives of others.

Black women HEAL THYSELF! It is okay to be angry, but after 15 years you should have figured out a more productive outlet for that anger other than your Children's father and you could have found a healthier tool to use in your healing process other than your own children. IF the child support laws aren't working, then lobby for reform.

HOWEVER- GOVERNMENT WAS NEVER MEANT TO TAKE THE PLACE OF THE EXERCISE OF GOOD JUDGMENT BY INDIVIDUALS - When you rely on the government for anything, you will be disappointed so it isn't shocking that when you rely on court orders to provide for your children, you are going to experience a less than optimal result. Government wasn't intended to take the place of character or morality.

Please stop labeling your children as unwanted. Please stop having your children play any role in your quest for retribution against their fathers. It is not the children's fault that they have two narcissistic, selfish people as parents. I know y'all haven been reading all those ESSENCE magazine articles featuring Kim Porter's Childrearing by Court Order, and watching episodes of Maury Povich, but this is soooo not right on too many levels.

This concludes this edition of Parenting Tips from the Childless. What say you?