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Friday, December 14, 2007

God Sends “Cease and Desist” Letter To Juanita Bynum and Tommy “The Hit Man” Weeks:”Stop Representing Yourself as My Agents...OR ELSE!”

December 14, 2007, PEARLY GATES, Heaven (AP)- In a surprising development in the ongoing soap opera-esq and very public battle between Profit-ess Juanita Bynum and her husband, Bishop Tommy “The Hitman” Weeks, lawyers representing God Almighty sent cease and desist letters to Profit-ess Bynum and Bishop Weeks demanding that they stop representing themselves as representatives of God.

“The final straw for the Lord was when Bishop Weeks used the occasion of the Almighty's son's birthday to email a video promoting his latest book “What Love Taught Me”,” said Gabriel Angel, the Almighty's lead trademark infringement attorney.

[This has got Ike Turner-like vibes all over the place. Manipulative,cunning and controlling. First he lashes out on the TJMS and in a book then quickly sends a bouquet of flowers through an online video. Joe Jackson, get ya' boy.]

In a video Mr. Angel described as “tacky”, “tawdry,” and “unseemly” Bishop Weeks announced that he would be recalling a book that just 48 hours ago he was promoting on the Tom Joyner Morning show. The Bishop invited others to view this “very personal” message to his estranged wife and then proceeded to beg viewers not to take sides. Weeks also revealed that the couple had been exchanging smoke signals, carrier pigeon messages, and shawls and books via express mail despite court orders designed to keep them away from each other.

“Well clearly Mr. Weeks is not a representative of the Almighty, because the Almighty sends the spirit of discernment to accompany all of his agents on Earth.” Citing the literary failures of other famous alleged wife beaters such as the recently departed Ike Turner, Mr. Angel said that the clearest example of the Bishop's lack of the spirit of discernment is his decision to issue the book in the first place. “Had Bishop Weeks had the spirit of discernment, he would have figured out that his book would not be well received.” Mr. Angel went on to add that if the Bishop had the spirit of discernment he would also stop wearing pastel bow ties in public and get new frames for his glasses.

“The Almighty contends that Profit-ess Bynum and her spouse are misrepresenting themselves as God's agents and the Almighty wants them to stop.”

Mr.. Angel said that the video distributed by Weeks was the final straw after a summer that saw these two purported leaders of churches fighting in a parking lot, holding dueling press conferences, using their infamy to promote their websites and products, asking for $250,000 to build a threshing floor, declaring that ordinary working people should go out and purchase a $5,000 pen, failing to pay their taxes and other debts, and then getting in a national publication and whining about Luis Vitton luggage.

“They are diminishing the brand. We only do things that are decent and in order.” Mr. Angel went on to say that the Lord would resolve this matter through the legal system and not supernaturally as previously hoped by Gem2001, the creator of the blog, What About Our Daughters?

“Yes, we have received Gem2001's prayers and supplications and yes, God could just strike them both dead with a bolt of lightening, but unlike the Bynum-Weeks who prefer displays of rage and attempt to resolve legal matters publicly, the Almighty has decided to allow this matter to work its way out through the legal system this time.” However, Mr Angel warned ominously “We'll try it this way first, but there may be fire next time”

When quizzed about whether the Almighty knows the outcome of Bishop Week's criminal case, Mr. Angel refused to comment citing something about “The Prime Directive,” however Mr. Angel did appear to cough “televisedrenewalceremony” and “thepatriotswinthesuperbowl” before he mounted with wings and took flight.

Bizarrely the Bynum-Weeks who recently have trampled small children to speak to reporters have been surprisingly mum about the Lord's cease and desist letter. Rumor has it that , the Bynum-Weeks are editing a drafts of an upcoming book they are writing together, “Love Has So Much More To Teach Me”, while learning how to use more snazzy effects on Windows Movie Maker. They could not be reached for comment.

This isn't the first legal battle for the Bynum-Week's earlier this summer Satan threatened to file a defamation suit against Bishop Weeks when the Bishop said that it was “the Devil” that caused the Bishop to allegedly kick, choke and stomp on his wife in a hotel parking lot. Satan was unavailable for comment as he is on vacation with his bride, Debbie Lee.

Have y'all ever considered that we're all being hustled? No seriously. He puts out a damaging book then recalls it. She's putting all their dirty laundry out there. Maybe someone was threatening to expose them both. They stage all of this drama and use it as an opportunity to reveal all of their dirty laundry while folks are feeling sympathy and taking sides and then make a come back with a “reconciliation”. People love a redemption story. I am beginning to wonder because these two cannot be for real. My foolishness meter is OFF THE CHARTS.This was the Bishop earlier this week on the Tom Joyner Morning Show.